Ugly.

The ones who have it easy

are missing out on part of the adventure.

My heart is weighing heavy today. I’ve been in prayer trying to find peace, to not hold anger and resentment in my heart towards people I (use to) love dearly. Last night, Drew and I were talking to an old friend of his. He had divorced his wife, and his old group of friends turned their back on him for divorcing her. It made me think inside- that’s funny, because everyone is turning their back on me and Drew right now for trying to see where things go. He divorced, everyone hated him. We didn’t divorced, everyone hates us. Goes to show how the world works.

The disappointing part to me is that it is mostly Christian people who have turned their backs on us. I was sure that the Christian parts of friends would see the sin, but still continue to love us. That just did not happen. In fact, it has been the not so Christian friends that have said- go for it. Do what makes you and your family happy and have supported me.
And to this day- people ask me why I have began to walk away from organized religion.

The way I see it is: most Christians feel that there is one way to live, and that’s it. What the Bible entails is how you live, don’t go outside of the box. And when other people go outside of it- well they’re wrong, bad and you shouldn’t associate with them.

I wonder if they skipped the part about forgiveness or judging? Or that the Lord will seek vengeance, that we must not worry about doing so. They must have been texting during that part of service.

I think my greatest attribute is that I could care less about what other people in the world are doing. I don’t let other people bog me down with their actions. I see it as it’s their life. (Boy do I wish other people felt that way.) Even my closest of friends- if they were living in a not-so-good of a way, I would speak my mind just enough to inform them I was concerned, but would just be there for them when they fell. After all, isn’t that friendship is for?

I deactivated my Facebook and cut my phone off. I kept my Myspace just to give people something to talk about. I’m kidding. Either way, I did it so I could walk away from the world all of the world’s problems. At this moment, I’m just not concerned, at all, what the world is doing and how they feel about what I’m doing. I can’t trust anything that moves. Everytime I speak how I feel, I’m told it’s wrong. If I try to say what I want, people think I’m lying. So, I’m done with it. Within the last week, four people have told me I need to ‘prove to them’ I’m going to make things right. Doubt it. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone besides the Lord, Landon and Drew.

What Drew and I decide is our own problem at this moment. If we decide we permanently want to go separate ways and divorce, we will. If we decide we’re going to fight everyday for this marriage until we go Home, then we will. We have both been in prayer. We’ve both put in an effort to make nice conversation. We talk about the things that hurt us. We say things we don’t want to hear- but need to. Who knows what will happen. But I know that neither of us are willing to just throw our hands up in the air and walk away yet.

Have I messed up? Immensley. Has Drew messed up? He has. Neither of us are perfect or willing to say that we are. But I’m pretty sure we vowed to work through the good, the bad and the ugly. Guess what part we’re going through now? The ugly.

We’re all going to live as we sit fit. We’re going to proceed with our marriage how we see is best. We’re going to raise our children the best way we can. To be honest, there are some people who I think are raising their children wrong. I would never treat Landon how they treat their children. There are people who I’d rather stick a needle in my eye than have their marriage. I don’t think everyone lives correctly. I use to be the one to call someone out- well, a best friend, for doing things that I think are hindering them. But. Not anymore. I’ve decided- let em. I’ll do my thing. Hopefully we can meet in the middle and be understanding of eachother.

And as for anyone that is sitting on their high horse right now, one day, you’ll fall off. Everyone does. If people think that they are so awesome and righteous that their marriage will never suffer, (maybe not the same way Drew and I’s has) they’re wrong. Marriage is tough. It’s ugly, it’s hard, it’s annoying, it makes you see yourself and all your faults, and it’s never, ever easy. I hope that one day, when your marriage struggles, you have people supporting you. Not texting your spouse telling them how big of a mistake their making. You give me one marriage that has never seen a cloudy day, and I’ll stand speechless.

I’m going to get back to my breakfast: Snickers, chocolate chip cookies and Twizzlers. I hope that everyone enjoys today. Maybe today, everyone should try (just give it a shot) to worry about their own lives, and not so much mine- or anyone else’s for that matter.

I’m sure we’d all get along better.