I’m trying to change faults in my life; trying to grow as a woman and love my self, instead of loathing who I am/have become. In that, I have been trying to avoid confrontation, even when confrontation is due. Even last night when I should have been making a phone call that entailed nasty language and the over-use of the f- word, I just vented to some best friends and decided; no- I’m going to be bigger than that. I do have some things to say to people; but instead of saying it, I deleted them. So- I’m going to say my goodbyes here I think. This may be the ‘not so mature’ way to handle this- but I stated that I was trying to grow as a woman, I didn’t say I was fully there. I’m in a process. Sue me.
#1- I’m going to miss you some days so much it’ll make my stomach sick. It’s already began. I know one day we’ll go to neutral, and everyone will respect the friendship. Just, not today.
#2- Go make lots of babies. Go start a business. Go get married. Go do all the things you told me that you wanted to do. And love your life. I can’t wait to see who you ‘grow up’ to be.
#3- I wish it was different circumstances. I wish that we could have been ok. But we didn’t have a chance since day one. We can’t help how we feel or the way other people make us feel. Realize what’s important in life- and own it and stick with it. I fear for your future somedays, but somewhere in me I know that you’ll figure it out and make a great life and make someone very happy. Someday.
#4- Be a doctor. Travel the world with your band. Change people’s lives with your music. Keep dreaming so big. Keep being so positive. Keep living.
#5- Thinking about you makes me want to spit up. The person you are makes me sad. Everyone needs to be ‘accepted’ and have the feeling they are loved. But you are in a different ball park. You’ll always stick in my prayers; but your going to need more than a prayer. Your going to need to grow up. That’s step one.
#6- I forgive you. For all of it. I don’t hold one mean thought about you. I’m tired of holding mean thoughts. You’ll never know that I have forgiven you; and I will always be in the dark of how you feel about me… but I won’t sit in bitterness and resentment for the rest of my life. I really do wish you the best.
#7- You have a black heart. Your everything that you say is wrong with the wrong. You repeated over and over to show the world someone different; be the light in a room full of darkness. Your just as dark as the next person- you just lie better and put on a good show. You tell me I put on a production? Maybe- but that was for an hour. You’ve been doing it your whole life; now that’s a sad existence. At least I am who I am because that’s who I want to be. I don’t live on other’s terms to please anyone. Try it.
I’m finished. All this negativity makes me anxious. Let’s move on to something positive.
Just to make this clear, I have an amazing sister. We have a special relationship. I haven’t talked to her on the phone for about a week- give or take some days. She answered the phone and the first thing that I spit out of my mouth: “Your going to need to make a trip to Ohio. This B did this….” And she listens. I told her I screwed up (a lot) but she didn’t ask questions about that- just asked questions about the person who hurt my feelings. The details never matter to her- that’s how best friends work. So either way- this is the message I get today from her:
I read your blog on the obituary and it got me to thinking....Chelsea, I would love you, not like you, but love you if I read your "obituary" mainly because you are real. Sissy, nobody's life is perfect. Don't worry your pretty little mind about shoulda, coulda, woulda's. You are so much better than that. I'm going to offer you some advice that a smart lady once gave me, "God will never give you more than you can handle." so don't give up and don't stress the little things. You taught me to look to Him when I didn't know what else to do and ever since then I have found a lot more peace so I hope that you find your way back there. You are an awesome person inside and out, don't let anyone take any of that away from you. I'm here if you need an ear or someone to boost you up. I love you baby girl.
#1- I’m going to miss you some days so much it’ll make my stomach sick. It’s already began. I know one day we’ll go to neutral, and everyone will respect the friendship. Just, not today.
#2- Go make lots of babies. Go start a business. Go get married. Go do all the things you told me that you wanted to do. And love your life. I can’t wait to see who you ‘grow up’ to be.
#3- I wish it was different circumstances. I wish that we could have been ok. But we didn’t have a chance since day one. We can’t help how we feel or the way other people make us feel. Realize what’s important in life- and own it and stick with it. I fear for your future somedays, but somewhere in me I know that you’ll figure it out and make a great life and make someone very happy. Someday.
#4- Be a doctor. Travel the world with your band. Change people’s lives with your music. Keep dreaming so big. Keep being so positive. Keep living.
#5- Thinking about you makes me want to spit up. The person you are makes me sad. Everyone needs to be ‘accepted’ and have the feeling they are loved. But you are in a different ball park. You’ll always stick in my prayers; but your going to need more than a prayer. Your going to need to grow up. That’s step one.
#6- I forgive you. For all of it. I don’t hold one mean thought about you. I’m tired of holding mean thoughts. You’ll never know that I have forgiven you; and I will always be in the dark of how you feel about me… but I won’t sit in bitterness and resentment for the rest of my life. I really do wish you the best.
#7- You have a black heart. Your everything that you say is wrong with the wrong. You repeated over and over to show the world someone different; be the light in a room full of darkness. Your just as dark as the next person- you just lie better and put on a good show. You tell me I put on a production? Maybe- but that was for an hour. You’ve been doing it your whole life; now that’s a sad existence. At least I am who I am because that’s who I want to be. I don’t live on other’s terms to please anyone. Try it.
I’m finished. All this negativity makes me anxious. Let’s move on to something positive.
Just to make this clear, I have an amazing sister. We have a special relationship. I haven’t talked to her on the phone for about a week- give or take some days. She answered the phone and the first thing that I spit out of my mouth: “Your going to need to make a trip to Ohio. This B did this….” And she listens. I told her I screwed up (a lot) but she didn’t ask questions about that- just asked questions about the person who hurt my feelings. The details never matter to her- that’s how best friends work. So either way- this is the message I get today from her:
I read your blog on the obituary and it got me to thinking....Chelsea, I would love you, not like you, but love you if I read your "obituary" mainly because you are real. Sissy, nobody's life is perfect. Don't worry your pretty little mind about shoulda, coulda, woulda's. You are so much better than that. I'm going to offer you some advice that a smart lady once gave me, "God will never give you more than you can handle." so don't give up and don't stress the little things. You taught me to look to Him when I didn't know what else to do and ever since then I have found a lot more peace so I hope that you find your way back there. You are an awesome person inside and out, don't let anyone take any of that away from you. I'm here if you need an ear or someone to boost you up. I love you baby girl.
And, we were eachother's maids of honor at our wedding. That's dope. Oh how I miss my sister.
Oh. Also, I've decided I want to learn to play an instrument. Piano or guitar is what I'm thinking. One time I was asked to join a band because I could play this bell thing (it was all in the wrist). I never followed through on that. So, I'll just started my own band. I'm penciling that on the to-do list as we speak.
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